Ep 7: Can A Marriage Without Sex Survive? l Unconsummated Marriage

Sexpert + Topic Intro Some movies that I've watched make it sound like it's compulsory to have sex on the "first night" (of the marriage), but in reality, that's not the truth at all. In fact, there are many marriages where sex doesn't happen for many months or even years after the marriage. It's a phenomena called "unconsummated marriages", and that's what we're going to talk about today. But before that, welcome. You're watching, Allo Ask The Sexpert, a space where we invite sexual health and wellness experts to talk about health, sex, pleasure, wellness, and so much more so that you can have better sex. backed by science. I'm Artika. And I'm joined today by sexpert Dr. Deshpande who is going to be talking to us about unconsummated marriages today. So Sir, I have to tell you that I was actually reading about a case where somebody had filed for divorce and the grounds for divorce was that there was no sex in the marriage. And I was like, can you do that? Is that legally allowed? Is that a thing? Yes, it is, indeed. What are unconsummated marriages? In fact, the word unconsummated is more a legal term and less a medical term. Okay. Because a marriage that is unconsummated or where sexual intercourse has not happened even once is indeed a ground for divorce. Yes. Okay. Hmm. And so. Right. You know, so it is more of a legal term. But if you talk about the sexual health spectrum, do we see unconsummated marriages as a concern that, you know, people can seek help for? Absolutely. In fact, a colleague of mine, he treats unconsummated marriages Is it a worrying situation to be in? as an emergency, he says. And I was a little taken aback when he said that, you know, how come? How come it's an emergency? Yeah. But then it's so much of a distress, not just for the couple- but families get involved. There are lots of allegations. There are questions raised about his potency, her ability to cooperate for the act. So there are lots of ramifications for this particular problem. And if your question was, are there couples with this problem? There are. Yeah. And quite, quite a few. Yeah. You know, is there any particular case that kind of stood out to you and made you realize what a grave problem it could be? I can think of a handful of them. I think about a handful of them. I'm going to anonymize all the details. Okay. So I met this couple who were married for about 18 years Sex phobia till they realized that they they wanted to have a child. So they went to a infertility specialist. And it turned out that this couple had never been able to have sexual intercourse. Okay. So when they came to see me after a detailed assessment, I realized that the lady had a lot of phobias. Phobias are fear and avoidance. So one of the phobias she had was to do with the act of the penetrative sex. So that was one case. And there are many actually. Interestingly, I didn't see as many cases when I was practicing in the UK, but having come back to India and practicing here, I've seen a few hundred cases. Yes. Okay. And like you said, I think this is also a very India specific thing that even though it may start off as a personal concern between two people, it will very easily spin off and become a matter of the whole family, city, town- because there are these questions then like "why don't they have a kid?" "What is happening?" You know, there's a lot of curiosity around people's personal lives in India. Yeah. And you just shared a case where you could identify the cause. So, you know, like other sexual health concerns, even though I do believe it's not fair to compare any of the concerns, is there like a set list of causes that you've identified, even just through your work if there's, you know, no static list? I've come around to look at Causes for unconsummated marriages unconsummated marriages from three angles 1. his causes, 2. her causes and 3. their causes. If I may quickly list out what are the common ones that we have seen. Men can present with sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, which prevent them from going ahead with the act of penetration. We've also had men who develop a lot of anxiety. We call it as performance anxiety. Mm hmm. As a result of which they start distancing themselves from their partners. And that could lead to the couple not being able to consummate the marriage. Talking of women, we have women who may have had an unpleasant experience previously, either with a partner or some form of sexual abuse or pain during sexual intercourse, a condition called dysperunia. And specifically there is a condition called vaginismus, which I describe for the lady in question who was married for 18 years. So those as well as psychological conditions like depression and anxiety may come in. The way of the couple's ability to consummate the marriage. Interestingly, we have also seen a lot of couples who have mixed causes. By mixed causes. I mean something as inane as technique, not knowing about each other's bodies, especially the female anatomy. A lot of women have not looked at themselves. They believe that the vaginal area is for their husband or for their gynecologist. And for the man. He's probably attempting something for the first time, so he has no knowledge of the female genitalia, does not know where and how to proceed with regards to penetration. So technique issues where we say they both need some training, some education. Right. So a mix of things is at play. Causes. And I'm assuming that depending on the cause, the treatment trajectory is then designed. That's correct. And one of the best outcomes Is it treatable? that we have seen at Allo, treating unconsummated couples is when both of them come for treatment. Right. So where possible or as much as possible, we try to ask them to bring their partner for assessment, for therapy. And it's it's really very satisfying for clinicians like me when we are able to help couples who then go on to proceed with, let's say, starting their families. We've seen marriages are on the verge of divorce being sorted out, when we offer them the right help. And so, yes. Rightly timed intervention. Very much. Yeah. So I was actually very, very interested in talking about this because this is not- something that's commonly talked about even within the sexual wellness space. There are some topics that (true) everybody talks about, and I felt like this is not one of those. And I think what's come out of this conversation is that even by giving it a name, even by shring, you know, you so graciously shared about a case also, I think it'll be very, very validating for people who are experiencing this to know that they're not the only ones experiencing this and to know that there's support available. True. So thank you so much for agreeing to talk about this. And, you know, we did get some questions which were around this, which again, just was proving the point that even though it's not commonly talked about, it is still experienced by people. Absolutely. Can I just add something there. we recently received a Does therapy help? testimonial from a patient, when you said Unconsummated, it just, you know, clicked in my head. Yeah, this lady wrote that they were in a "Private Hell" and Allo was able to help them through therapy, through counseling. They managed to consummate the marriage. And now she said, we are in our "Private Heaven". So, yes, carry on, you know. Yes, yes, absolutely. I'm going to take you into the next segment, which is called Ask Your Question where we crowdsource questions from all of you and have an expert answer them. This is also a reminder that if you have a question that is a link in a description, you can send your question anonymously. Can I go ahead with the first question? Please do. Okay. Ask Your Question- Sexpert Answers YOUR Questions! "My wife left me after two years of being married. We weren't having sex. Can you help us?" I'm very sorry to hear about this. What I would say is they can be helped. We need to evaluate and see why was it that they were not able to have sex? Hmm. Has there been a contribution from one of them? Both of them. Often the problem starts with, let's say, one of the partners. But the other partner gradually tends to lose their desire. So it's very important to seek help. Yeah. Through. Through you and this show, if this person is watching it, I would like to appeal to them to try and see if their partner is willing to talk to a specialist. Yeah. That can be done, you know, with the wife of this person being in the comfort of their home. And then, you know, we can make a treatment plan for them. Mm hmm. So evaluation is. Is the first step. Yes. Yeah. So we actually get a lot of queries from people who do want to consult a sexologist or a doctor or a therapist. But there are a lot of inhibitions and even fears about what is going to happen? And how will they help us? Will they help us. So what is your thought about that? One of the first things we learn in sexual medicine when we get trained is about making patients comfortable because we know that these are topics that they have never spoken about. They have their own inhibitions and concerns. So the discussion, the interview happens in a very systematic way, taking into account the anxieties that the person may have. Right. I, for one, don't examine the intimate examination for both men and women. I generally ask women if they need an examination to see a gynecologist. It is more about discussing exactly what is the problem arriving at a diagnosis and then the treatment planning. I'm glad you asked this because people wait on an average anywhere from 4 to 6 years- - that's my average- in an unconsummated marriage. So they need to recognize it and see a specialist sooner. Absolutely. And I think I also just want to very quickly take this moment to talk about what you've done with Allo and the rest of the team at Allo, that there are actually curated treatment packages that you can go and read about on the website and see if that's something that you're looking for. Even book a first consultation, try it out and see if it works- works for you. You can find the website link in the description. I do have one more question before I let you go today. Okay. "Tried to have sex on the first night," I'm assuming off the marriage. Okay. "Then (tried) on the honeymoon, but did not succeed. Now it's been 8 months. What to do?" The first night syndrome. It's not there in the textbooks Artika. Yeah. I don't know. Someone coined it or I've heard it somewhere. So very, very peculiar to the Indian subcontinent, that the expectation is on the couples to consummate their marriage on the first night. In fact, there is a cultural practice where relatives on the morning of the first night they go and they check for traces of blood. They deliberately put a light or a white bedsheet in order to spot it. So, enormous amount of pressure on the couple. So what may have happened with this couple, they have tried initially. I don't know whether it's a he or she. So gradually, they may have developed problems with erection. They may have lost their desire. Their partner may have lost the desire. And all trials slowly cease. So days become weeks and months pass by. So they're still early in their marriage. It's only eight months. Yeah. They must try and get to a specialist, try and get the necessary help, and they can be helped. I can tell you that much. just adding on to this issue and why probably it is more common in the Indian subcontinent. We do have a lot of marriages which are arranged marriages. So it takes some time for the couple to get to know each other, to understand their personalities. It is perfectly fine if they are not comfortable undressing in front of each other early on in their marriage. In fact, in the Kamasutra there is a wonderful description of how the man, the man has to make his partner comfortable, give her space, give her time, look after her well. And on the particular full moon day, he should attempt to have the first sexual intercourse. So couples do take time to get ready and prepare themselves. So I don't think they should rush to a specialist if it doesn't happen on the first night or on the first few trials. But for this gentleman or this lady who have asked this question, I think they need to access help and preferably as a couple. Right. As you mentioned before. Yes. I think it was really helpful that you're giving us answers in the Indian context, because it is a very, very unique space to navigate sex in and sex and pleasure in as well. That does bring us to the end of the segment. And again, thank you so much for joining us and answering all of our questions. Before we leave, I have to say that this was really great talking about something. Like I said, it's not commonly talked about. This is not something you'll find all over the Internet. And it was even better having a sexpert like Dr. Deshpande join us in this conversation. I also want to take this chance to urge you all to drop us emails, messages, even comments if there are specific topics that you want to hear about, because whether it's common or it's not common, even if just a hundred of you are experiencing it, we would love to come here, talk to an expert about it, and answer all your questions. So thank you again Sir. Thank you. Yes. This is us signing off Dr. Deshpande & Artika. We'll see you again very, very soon with another topic and another sexpert. Goodbye and take care.